A Season of Awkward Miracles

A season of awkward miracles

Leigh is in residential, and it's the private one that's 20 minutes from home, instead of three or six hours. Somehow, someone in the state's Medicaid office borrowed a soul and stamped payment approval on the local private hospital... A decision that is what is in the best interest of our entire family, but probably the antithesis of everything in their rule books. 

I was in shock, and pretty much stayed there through packing, and check in, and even all the way home the evening we checked her in. Didn't cry, didn't even tear up. 

For almost a week. 

Until the night before Thanksgiving. 
That night I had to leave a little before Danae and their older bio sister who was in town for the week, and as I walked to the car, the grief and guilt hit me. 

And it hit hard. 

I put the babies in the van, and sat on the chiiled asphalt of the parking lot and sobbed.  

And sobbed until I couldn't breathe, took a hiccoughing breath and cried more. I didn't think I could cry that hard. 

Unfortunately that let loose a torrent of emotion that I have been fighting to keep under control since then. I find myself on the verge of tears I can barely control, and the silliest thing sets me off. This tenuous grip I have on my tear ducts needs something to shore it up. I'm open for ideas. 

I know intellectually that this is what is best for Leigh and for those around her. I know that she needs this.  I also know that this is our last stand, our very own little Alamo. 

If this doesn't work, I don't know if there are any other options, anything else that might help her find an internal steady ground. 

So for now, we are visiting four to five times a week, but the pace is killing me. I know I can't keep it up, but on the flip side I have to.  

When you're already exhausted, where do you find another wind? 

October Did Not Kill Me

...although it damn sure tried to.

Hi, my name is GasStationCappuccino, and I am peeking out from my hidey-hole.

It's been a helluva time.

So without much commentary, here are the things that have tried to kill me, but have not succeeded, since I last posted.

Leigh's behavior has been gathering momentum on her downhill slide.  She has spent 20 of the last 30 days in a local acute care psychiatric facility for the following:  suicidal thoughts, threats, poetry and art; and increasing aggression directed at everyone.  She was home for three days before the state's mobile crisis unit, accompanied by two police cars showed up at our house to take her back for another stay.  She's been home for five days now, and has been a little better, but her "better" starting to show some wear, tear, and cracking around the edges.

My husband spent a weekend in the hospital after his blood pressure shot way up into the triple digits (top and bottom number) due to stress.  The good news is that his heart is very healthy.  The bad news is that the craziness at home is making him sick.

We've ridden the "can we please FINALLY get some long term help for Leigh" roller coaster, and finally, today, after TEN years, found out that she has been approved for residential treatment, which means she'll be leaving to move into a long-term psychiatric care facility very soon. The problem is that the closest facility is about three hours away.  The best one is five hours.  So do we take the "easier on us" three hour drive or the "has better programs but is five hours away" one? 

My mom, who has no medical coverage, no job and was denied disability (Lupus and Sjogren's), was recently diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome, which basically means that her bone marrow has given up. The first line treatment is a series of shots that are supposed to kick start the sleepy marrow.  The shots are $2250 each.  They are given every two weeks for around six months.  If they don't work, the next two steps are regular blood transfusions and then a marrow transplant. Remember-- no insurance here. Definitely not good news.

So this will likely be her last Christmas.  And Leigh will be in residential, which is where she needs to be, but won't be able to be with her grandma, who is one of the few people she actually likes, relates to and respects on this earth. 

Danae has worked very hard at being mean to everyone.  Dawn and her Dumbass were both working for about three weeks before they both got fired.  They're still living on other people's sofas and generally making nuisances of themselves. 

The babies are amazing and growing and happy.  And we still have made no official decision.  Social Services has to decide something before December 28, as that is MoMo's "one year in care" anniversary.

My teaching schedule changed three weeks into the school year (not technically October), but the kids who had the easier teacher before me have been driving me nuts. 

Hubby works weird hours and I'm doing way more single parenting than I want to, but we need the paycheck.  And since he works retail, him getting Christmas off without a major act of God is something I'm already worrying about. 

I realize that nothing worth having is easy, but I'm starting to lose track of what it is I want to have. 

Sad but true...

No good deed goes unpunished. 

So I'm attempting to help my daughter Leigh work on her make-up work (read: work she refused to do at school, which is why she has a 35 in language arts, which, coincidentally, is the subject I teach). 

She is being herself (read: a collossal raging bitchy PITA), and everything she says is oozing venom. 

I finally get fed up and explain to her how goals work.  This is the gist of the explanation.

People who work hard in school have decent jobs, decent homes and decent lives. Not spectacular, but occasionally fun, mostly pleasant lives. 

People who don't end up as homeless hookers addicted to drugs. 

Her response:  So you think I'm going to be a ho because I don't do school work? 

Me: What other job are you preparing yourself for? 

That boom you heard was an epic door slam.
(First month of school is over, so I should be more regular with my rantings...  How are YOU guys doing??)